I’ll Wipe My Ass with the NAP, Eat Your Food, Drink Your Drinks and Put Babies in your Wife

I’ll Wipe My Ass with the NAP, Eat Your Food, Drink Your Drinks and Put Babies in your Wife

June 1, 2017
by Dave Martel
Mad American Network

I will turn your Anarchy into a Monarchy in two years. Now, before I start throwing bows at my AnCap broskis, I want to clarify that I appreciate the sentiment. I like the idea of no bureaucrats, no police and an autistic amount of free market trade among private citizens. Sounds pretty tits at face value. But, when put through the gauntlet of critical scrutiny, it just doesn’t hold up. Now, for folks who have wandered into our obnoxious corner of the internet and have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m talking about, I’ll give you a short and easy introduction to the ideology of AnCap or “Anarcho-Capitalism”. This is aimed at the broad, mainstream idea of Anarcho-Capitalism, not some of the more refined ideas that have evolved within the spectrum.

Anarcho-Capitalism is Libertarianism at it’s furthest extreme. A utopian ideology where all property is privately owned, there is no state and all things are overseen by communities where the only law is the “NAP” or “Non-Aggression Principle”. Now, The NAP is essentially “Don’t mess with me and I won’t mess with you”. Which, most of us civilized people already practice. Especially in places where folks have guns and local laws still respect self defense. Because obviously, you’re not going to rob or attack people if you know there’s a good chance they’ll send you to meet God. Criminals and predatory people rarely target the assertive or able bodied. They tend to aim for soft victims. The weak, vulnerable or elderly. No matter what it is, your survival instincts will sway you towards low risk, high reward circumstances. Which in AnCapistan, everywhere a criminal would go, would be a precarious roll of the dice. Because behind every door, every stalk of corn and in every town hall are private citizens armed with militarized weapons. Thought it was bad that there could be a 12 gauge waiting for you in that house on the dark corner? Imagine mom now has a 50 round drum loaded with incendiary shells looking to blast your crew into bloody chunks.

Unfortunately, the Law of Nature remains the only true law in the end. The meanest, most resourceful and most brutal reign supreme. While the AnCap community would be fine defending themselves against petty criminals that they could either just shoot on sight or collectively decide to execute for violating the NAP. Say I absolutely hate Phil down the street. In an AnCap community I could invite him over, shoot him in the face and then tell everyone that he tried to break into my house. The community could hire an outside investigator to look into Phil’s death. But I could’ve been smart and covered my tracks or even pay off the investigator if I’m rich enough. I could poison the investigators and hide their bodies. Tell everyone that they left and present a forged document claiming my innocence. Without any sort of overseeing governing entity to enforce basic law, the whole system can be easily manipulated by the clever, the wealthy or the immoral. Which leads to my next point.

Say the state is overthrown and we’re now living in small rural communities spread all over the country. I wake up one day and decide I want to be King. All property is privately owned and defended by it’s owners. After a few weeks of inspiring orations, My cohorts and I storm several properties massacre the owners, capture their women and take all of their weapons and resources. Now we are the rightful owners of those properties. Eventually I will be the rightful owner of an ever growing fiefdom. Most people are fairly peaceful and don’t want to resort to violence unless in self defense. As an ambitious barbarian warlord, I am now infatuated with violence. You simply want to live in peace, I however, want to collapse your head with a rock and steal your belongings. And to avoid inevitable anguish, your neighbors swear fealty to me before I even get there. Maybe they’re just sick of paying the ridiculous toll you charge for the roads that you own and want you knocked off so their 10 minute drive to work doesn’t cost 40 bucks. Now the bloodthirsty hordes of the anointed King Dave are charging across the continent conquering and enslaving small towns only to envelop them into the grand empire. The militia of a farming town is no match for what is now a massive army of marauding war parties.

Sure, eventually an alliance could be made. A collective of communities muster all of their resources to defeat me and stop my reign of terror. That doesn’t fix the sea of devastation that I’ve left in my wake. Destruction and death that will take generations to repair culturally, economically and psychologically. In the mean time one of my many sons could take up the same ambition or perhaps a foreign force that sees an opportunity to capitalize on the now weakened territory. Will it be a vicious cycle of fighting off brutal warlords until the next one rises? Or will people do what they always do to protect them collectively and form a governing body to enforce laws and safety? If you don’t have a state or ruling body, your society is doomed to an ever spinning wheel of incoming onslaught by those driven by power lust and no regard for human life. Even worse, it’s not just the brutality of an individual which would be mostly extinguished following his death. Imagine it was an ideology designed to decay, demoralize and conquer. That no matter what leaders die, the ideology remains. For example, Islam or Communism. You would have to constantly thought police everyone everywhere and as soon as they show interest in these parasitic ideologies, kill them. Ideological witch hunts would be needed to protect your society.

Long story short, in my low IQ fictional reality of general Anarcho-Capitalism, there is absolutely no defense against being conquered. Which is why a stateless society is doomed to being endlessly victimized. There has to be some fashion of ruling body to oversee society. Man can’t be trusted to be benevolent. But go ahead and build AnCapistan. I’ll order the cushions for my throne made of skulls.

-Dave Martel

Dave Martel, founder of Mad American Network is a lifelong patriot and political commentator. Growing up in rural Pennsylvania lead him to the Libertarian philosophy. He’s also a marksmen, metalhead, outdoorsman, cook and tabletop gamer. He hates computer music, Japanime and has a feud with mortal enemy Jon Bon Jovi.

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